Ok, so I'm sitting on my couch, it's 11PM on a Sunday night, and Babylon A.D. with Vin Diesel comes on HBO. Work is gonna blow tomorrow anyway, so I settle in with a bowl of Campbell's chicken noodle. After about 15 minutes, I noticed the soup dribbling on the couch from my slack jaw! The horribleness of this movie seeped out of every plothole! This thing was completely drenched in wrong sauce! I mean, it must have started out as a great project. Look at the actors they got---Superstar Vin Diesel (well...sort of), the yumminess of actresses Michelle Yeoh and Melanie Thierry, the classy European actors like Gerard Dippedy-Doo and Charlotte Rumply. I mean this movie probably started out as a major project. Don't know what happened after that, maybe the producers got their weed cards that day... who knows...
So Plot..... From what I could figure out, Vin Diesel is a jaded mercenary (a stretch, I know) hired by a Russian mobster to transport 2 mysterious ladies to America. The young Michelle-Pfeiffer-type girl has mysterious powers of some kind, and Michelle Yeoh is there to basically show off her kung fu skills (remember her? she was the cool sword lady in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon). Only thing is, she only got off about 7 or 8 lame Karate Chops before they gunned her down. Robbed! I would gladly watch a whole movie of just her fighting a cheeseburger. Anyway, somehow they have to get to America with everyone shooting at them with machine guns (and missing), directed by a mysterious religion-boss-lady (Charlotte Rumply). Not even a cool religion-boss-lady, like with kung fu skills, and blade-claws and bombs-in-the-hat, either. However, she does kill her ex-husband point blank with a gun, so she gets some nasty-points for that.
Lots of slow motion jumping away from explosions (I really hate that--in a real explosion you'd be in pieces before you even think to take your first step, but what the hell, I will suspend my disbelief even further for this one). The lamest snowmobile chase I have ever seen in the movies. Actually, I haven't seen many snowmobile chases in movies....why? Cause snowmobile chases suck, that's why. Stop it Hollywood.
I did like the high-tech Vin-Diesel-seeking mini-missile. That was a cool idea to start with, only my problem with it? If you can afford to open a briefacase, and take out a custom high-tech mini-Vin-Diesel-seeking missile, why does it fly and explode in slow motion?
So he can jump away from the explosion? Is that why? Grrrrrr....
Finally, the standard hunka-love scene where the SWT (sweet young thing) tries to get it on with our hero VD (nice initials, Vin, LOL) I know they wanted Vin Diesel to be kinda rough-looking for his character, but it did kinda look like she yanked the Polish janitor out of the motel hallway for a little hairy shower nooky. Pretty yucky scene...
I couldn't even tell ya what happened at the end. Quick shot of a couple of kids calling Vin Diesel daddy, a nice house, and then fadeout to black. They should have flashed WTF over the credits, cause that's what I was saying at that point. -- Pantucci
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